Friday, September 15, 2006

how did i get to be so insecure...

i guess it's all started when i was in elementary. being that i was enrolled into private schooling, it's quite understood that people who did the same were really rich. i'm not saying that we were rich, it's just that my mother's financial capabilities could afford my education in such an institution. that being the case, i was exposed to an environment where stature was a bearing in social standards. i was left to fend for myself when times came where i was asked to exemplify how rich i really was. it wasn't always like that but there came a time when i had to lie about things i never had.

that for a child was the wrong foundation for building a personality.

then i entered puberty.

add to the pressure of living "the life," the time of age where crushes were counted through the number of pimples you have, i guess i was really the loving kind. surrounded by people who were good looking and blessed with fair skin, i really built a shell to protect myself from ridicule and hurt. that cover would be my jovial persona.

what's worse is that as i entered highschool, that jovial persona totally took over and made me into a monster. i was always kidding around and never minding the people i'm making fun of and the often inappropriate things that came out of my mouth.

i changed though. when i started to realize the consqeunces of my actions, i made some changes.

that may be so, but the wound that was left in my emotions by the financial drawbacks, physical misfortunes, and social untowardness, i guess would never heal. it's just left there to be bare and unnoticed.

why, do you ask, do i rant on like this? i guess, i just feel a little down today. i needed an outlet.

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