You told me things that I thought you told no one else. I don’t want to sound pretentious but you looked into my eyes, as words of pain flowed, and gave me the look of sincerity. I felt as if I was your only confidant.
I listened intently, never knowing the implications of knowing things from you far too much. I should have been able to see it, you’re a girl, I’m guy, and things like this usually lead somewhere. Was I blinded? Isn’t just one big cliché if you thought about it? How can I explain the expectations I had?
As time went by, with every stoplight that went pass, I got to know you more… and I tried sharing some of myself. Conversations were filled with your sorrow with an old love of yours, and I grew to hate the guy. I hated him for being such an ass, for being so blind and clueless, for being insensitive, but most of all, I hated him for doing those horrible things to you. Even before noticing it, I was fighting for you. I fought with this nemesis, who was that guy, inside my head. Boy did I have some things I wanted to do to him just to make him pay for what he has put you through.
You were always so sweet. You never turned away when I came around. I always felt special around you.
I always thought of you kindly, your confessions to me, even though I was never in one of them, I took to heart. I unconsciously made your problems my own. Because you made me feel special, I wanted to make you feel the same way you made me feel.
And when it finally caught my attention, I thought it through. What was I doing? Who were you to me? What is this I’m feeling and am I going to do something about it? Am I stupid? I asked myself ‘cause I’ve never courted a girl before. This would be suicide. But it would be worse if I’ve done nothing, if I just sat in our coursing jeep and listened.
I’ve prepped myself for you. I’ve gathered all the courage I could muster just to give gifts to you. I’ve left you sweet nothings just for you to notice me. I wanted to take your mind off that guy who broke your heart and make you notice me so that I could mend it.
Finally, I asked you out on a date. You said yes but I was starting to notice some kind of change. I let it slide for love made me rusty… I used to be quick with these things.
With my letter, I asked if you would be able to return my feelings towards you, and I waited for your reply. And I waited. I waited.
When waiting was no longer bearable, I looked for you, because suddenly you were as invisible as air, as hard to find as a grain of sand on a beach. And as I found you, I asked why so, and all you gave me was a letter.
I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted it to make me smile. I couldn’t wait for it to change my life, I couldn’t wait for you to come into my life and make a difference.
I expected something, that’s where I was wrong.
You said sorry, along with your apology was a rejection. I couldn’t read on.-----
this was written 2007 and is dedicated to the first person whom i loved and broke my heart.